


After You

by sanctuary_for_all



Series: (There Is No) After You [1]
Category: MacGyver (TV 2016)
Genre: Angst, Gen, I know I usually fix things but I absolutely did not do that here, I'm Sorry, I'm so so sorry, Missing Scene
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-22
Updated: 2021-01-22
Packaged: 2021-03-13 21:21:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,356
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28909998
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sanctuary_for_all/pseuds/sanctuary_for_all
Summary: Mac and Jack have one last talk. Sort of. (MIssing scene from 5x05)
Relationships: Jack Dalton & Angus MacGyver (MacGyver TV 2016)
Series: (There Is No) After You [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2123124
Comments: 4
Kudos: 39





	After You

**Author's Note:**

> So I finally made myself watch 5x05, and was physically assaulted by Lucas Till's performance in the bathroom scene on the jet. I had to write this so I could sleep. As I said in the tags, I am so, so sorry.

He knew Desi was waiting for him to break down.

Everyone was, probably, except for Riley. She was too focused on her own grief to wait for his to burst the dam, and even though she was a constant, second-by-second reminder of Jack it was so much easier to focus on her grief than his. Besides, Jack would want him to be there for her.

They'd give him some time. They knew he tended to shut down in the face of loss, and they'd probably assume that was what he was doing here. Eventually, though, they'd try to get him to talk about it, and he'd have to do everything he could to put that off as long as possible. Forever, ideally.

To do that, certain precautions had to be taken. Like when the clawing grief he'd carried around in his belly for days finally made its way up to his throat, he escaped to the bathroom in a desperate attempt to wrestle it back down. If anyone else on the other side of the door saw even a glimpse of this, they'd tell him to let it back out. That the tears would be healing. He'd heard all of it, back when he'd thought his mother had died.

This, though... if he let himself really get a good look at the raw, bleeding emptiness that felt like it had replaced his internal organs, it would break him completely. Riley had said that some deaths left a hole in your heart forever, but this one felt like it carved everything that mattered out of him. If he let himself break down as much as he wanted to, there was a pretty good chance he'd never be able to put himself back together.

So here he was, trying to mimic the fetal position on the floor of a private jet reciting the periodic table in his head. All of it, from the atomic number to the chemical group block. It helped keep his breathing steady, and when he got to the end it would just be that much easier to start again. He could even do it again when he was back in his seat, and as long as he was careful no one would be the wiser...

"Hey, Mac."

Pain tore through him at the oh-so-familiar voice, but he kept his eyes closed. "No."

There was that offended noise Mac remembered all too well. "Hardly the best way to make a friend feel welcome."

Mac swallowed, feeling the bite of shame at how badly he wanted to open his eyes. "You're not my friend. You're a stress- and grief-induced visualization that might actually qualify as a full-blown hallucination." His fingers tightened on his arms. "If anything, you're a sign that my brain hates me."

The voice softened, making Mac's throat tighten even though he knew it wasn't real. "Or maybe your brain just knew there's only one person you were ever willing to talk to when you're like this."

He couldn't take it any more. Mac opened his eyes to see Jack – no, the grief-induced hallucination – sitting against the opposite wall with his legs up the same way Mac's were. If he moved his leg just a few inches – and if Jack was actually _there_ – their legs would be touching. There was even a vague reflection in the highly polished wall, because even crazed with grief Mac's brain was nothing if not thorough.

When they're eyes met, Jack – not _Jack_ , damn it – gave him a small, sad smile. He was wearing jeans and a Metallica t-shirt, hair spiked up just so, and if Mac could give himself selective amnesia he could almost pretend that Jack really had just followed him in here. That he could hug Jack right now, and his arms would close around more than empty air.

Grief tore through him. "There's nothing to talk about." The words were harsh, his throat feeling like someone had poured acid down it. "You're dead. I wasn't there, and you're _dead_." The last word cracked. "No matter how smart I am, there's no fixing that."

" _Mac._ " The sudden pain on Jack's imaginary face, in his voice, made his eyes fill. "It was _my_ choice you weren't there. I knew what Kovac could do, and I didn't want you to—"

"But you _did_." Anger welled up, both at Jack and himself. "I was your insurance policy, and if I had picked up the damn _phone_ when you called that last time I would have _been_ there."

Jack just stared him down. "And maybe you would have been the one that got blown up. I'd rather have died than see that happen."

" _Don't you think I would have made the same choice_?" The words came too close to a howl of pain, and Mac had to close his eyes as he tried to drag it all back in. "It's my fault I didn't get that choice, anyway."

Jack's voice was gentle. "You were busy saving the world. I knew that."

Mac leaned his head back against the counter, letting out a shaky breath. "I should have tried harder to call you back, but it hurt too much to talk to you knowing I couldn't be there." He opened his eyes, staring upward at the ceiling so he wouldn't have to look at hallucination-Jack. "That's not what I meant, though."

Jack's voice was soft again. "Don't do this to yourself, Mac."

"Oh, but I already did." He wouldn't have let the bitterness out if it had been anyone else. He couldn't. "If I hadn't left after I found out about my dad, if I had just fucking _talked_ to you instead of running away, you would have never let yourself get sucked back into the Kovac hunt without me." When there was only silence, Mac finally let himself look at Jack again. "Tell me I'm wrong. You _can't_ , because I _made you up_ and I know I'm right, but tell me I'm wrong."

Jack just sighed, leaning forward like he was going to rest his hand on Mac's knee, but Mac flinched away before he could see how deep the hallucination ran. Either way, he was pretty sure the answer would break him.

The Jack hallucination hesitated for just a moment, then settled back against the wall. Everything about him radiated regret, and Mac tried desperately to start back into the periodic table to keep from crying again. Finally, Jack sighed. "I should have come after you."

Any thought of elements scattered at the words Mac hadn't expected or prepared for. He swallowed. "If I hadn't gone so far away, maybe you could have."

The pain was back in Jack's eyes as he tilted his head back to where the rest of the team was sleeping. "You've got another chance not to leave. Every single person out there wants to be there for you."

"I know." He did, even now, and a part of him was truly grateful. But it wasn't enough.

It probably never would be. "They're not you, though."

Grief flooded Jack's face. "You can do it without me, man. You already know that."

"Yeah." The bitterness was back as he closed his eyes again, tilting his head back. "Turns out I can survive pretty much any torture life throws at me."

Jack made a pained noise. "That's not what I meant."

He knew that, too, just like he knew that was what Jack would say in these circumstances. So his subconscious had made the hallucination say it, even though it wasn't true.

And if Jack were really here, he'd tell him he was thinking too hard.

A fresh wave of grief welled up, making Mac's expression crumble. "I _really_ hoped you were alive somehow," he whispered.

He could feel the lightest touch against his foot. "Me, too," Jack whispered back.

Mac focused on just trying to breathe, tears streaming down his face. "I know you're just a hallucination," he said finally, his voice like broken glass. "But can you stay for a little while?"

Jack's imaginary voice was rough. "I'm here as long as you need me."

**Author's Note:**

> Come check out my [original fiction,](https://jennifferwardell.wixsite.com/mybooks) my [blog,](http://jennifferwardell.blogspot.com) or say hi to me on [Tumblr](http://sanctuaryforalluniverses.tumblr.com)!


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